FFVII: Advent WTF!
by Akino Hakume
Summary: The retelling of Advent Children Complete from the point of view of the Characters and a Moutain Dew over dosed fangirl. Lawl...the flames are imminent!
1. Chapter 1

Akino Hakume: ….I was bored…so I watched advent children complete….and felt like it raised more questions than it answered…wtf? This is my retarded retelling.

Warning: This entire fic was done at four in the morning under the influence of one too many mountain dews…don't worry I'm sober now. I just happen to be editing it now.... Rated S: for stupid!

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Final Fantasy VII: Advent…WTF?

Caption: For those who loved this world and knew friendly company therein…this Reunion is for you.

Akino: what the F*bleep* does that mean?

RedXIII(Nanaki): *scaling a cliff and roars* I GOTZ CHILLINZ!

Akino: I thought you were the last of your kind?

RedXIII: yeah…apparently I can asexually reproduce

Akino:…..whatever…

Midgar apparently got taken over by the plants from Ruin.

**498 years ago**

Akino: What the hell? Then what was the point of the Nanaki scene?

Rufus gets pushed up on a sky scrapper building while talking to some mysterious guy with silver hair and a taste for leather. (Akino: Riku?) So, this is basically how Rufus gets off in his spare time; getting wheeled around by leather clad teenagers.

Akino: hey, to each their own

SilverhairKid: Why did mankind even bother? I mean seriously, you f*bleep* up everything with clones, science and dumb shit like that and still end up doing the same shit over and over.

Rufus: I suppose we're not good at facing our memories.

Akino and Silver haired kid: d'f*bleep* that mean?

Rufus: we rather kill the past. We find something worthwhile in the rubble and build the future with it.

SHK: *overlooking Midgar* yeah, we all see how that works out. Anyway, where the hell is Mother?

Rufus: we were trying to rid ourselves of a more immediate-

SHK: don't care. Where's mom? *looks at Rufus* and what the Hell is that on your hand! Ugh…looks like a hellhound took a piss on you. What? *looks at director* oh right, that's the stigma.

Rufus: actually it's just a mild case of leprosy...*chunk of skin fallz off*

SHK: ugh….

**Two weeks earlier**

Akino: why the hell do we keep going back in time?

And thus we change over to what appears to be the Northern Crater…or just really big hole in the ground where we last saw Sephiroth naked!

Elena: found it!

Tseng: that's not the head Elena

Elena; it looks like it, so what is it?

Tseng: proof that Jenova was a hermaphrodite.

Elena: *shriek*

Reno: *snicker* dangly parts

Tseng: Reno! Move your ass

Reno: you wish you were my ass *flies the helicopter down though I wonder who the hell gave him the keys.*

*gunshots*

Tseng: OMGWTF!

Elena: Sempai! Don't worry, my love for you is bullet proof!

Tseng: kill her first!

Unknown Voice: Give it back dammit!

Elena: never!

Unknown Voice: Give it bitch! *boom*

Elena: Reno, blue- 42! HIKE!

Reno: what the f*bleep* are you talking about?!

So miraculously Reno gets the hell out of dodge with Jenova's head and a nice summary of Final Fantasy VII starts as narrated by a…I guess like what eight year old. Yeah, its Marlene. You know, looking at Tifa's old outfit in 3-D I wondered if she wore underwear.

Marlene: and someone I loved returned to the life stream

Akino: you met Aerith all of ONCE in the game when you were like five or something!

So we get to see the city of Edge which apparently a city wrapped around the outer "Edge" of Midgar…you get it? And then we have people who are all bandaged up and puking in the streets and scaring small children. Then two desolate kids have a man with the Stigma throwing up near them

Girl: what the hell man! *throws a bottle at him* get lost!

Boy: so cold

Girl: who are you and why am I holding you

Scene switch to Marlene and a kid name Denzel who suspiciously looks like a fangirl's Tifa/Cloud love child. Tifa's cleaning up and then hears the phone ring which she answers. There's medical books on Cloud's desk and-

Akino: wait wait wait….Cloud's smart enough to read medical science books?...Bull shit!

Suddenly we're with Cloud now. We see Zack's Buster sword embedded in the ground and…there's a wolf there.

Wolf: its BACON!

Cloud: *listening to his messages*

Tifa: Reno called, he said "Wuz UUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUPPPPPPP! Oh…and meet him in Healin…wherever the f*bleep* that is. And Cloud, I lo-

Cloud: *slams the phone shut and shudders. Title appears* Where the hell are those words coming from? *puts on his shades* because we know I make them look good- oh gawd ow! *arm appears to be having inflamatory issues which causes pain and hallucinations and rapid changes in eyecolore

Sephiroth: imgonnarapeyou!

Cloud: Holy SHIT! *shakes head* damn that wasn't foreboding at all!

Akino: *swoon* Cloud suffering…*sigh*

Cloud: as if you're the first fangirl to get off on me in pain.*drives off*

Kadaj,Yazoo, and Loz drive up.

Yazoo: Can't believe they wouldn't let us join Hells Angels

Loz: don't cry, Zoo-baby

Yazoo: call me that again and Velvet Nightmare goes up your ass

-yes…their weapons have names…seriously-

Kadaj: this is like, completely off script, but I see Cloud down there.

Loz: oh yeah there he goes

Yazoo: dude, we totally gotta fuck with him!

Cloud: Country Rooooaaads, I wanna goooooooo, West Virginiaaaaaa, Moutain Ma- oh shit what that is?

Monsters come out of the ground (holy crap) and chase him down on the motorcycle. Cloud commences to defend himself!

Cloud: watch the wax, watch the wax, watch the wax watch the- *claw!*….FUCK! *and because Cloud is bad ass enough to have a swiss army bike that spits out swords, he proceeds to fuck these critters up.* Damn right.

Yazoo and Loz decide to join in on the fun.

Loz: word to yo' mama, blondie!

Yazoo: scream a little otherwise this won't be any fun!

Cloud:…silver hair…green eyes…wants to make me scream...shocker! we must motor-kungfu!

They fight in this cool multi-frame bike battle. Cloud…gets his ass kicked for the most part until Kadaj holds up his hand

Kadaj; heel!

Yazoo: and this is all we're pretty much good for in the whole film

Once they leave, Cloud stops and looks back to see Kadaj on the cliff.

Cloud:..I'm so f*bleep*ed…

Akino: I wish!

Cloud: who the hell are you?!

Akino: bathroom break *skitter*

Cloud reaches Healin while somehow listening to the messages on his phone.

Barrett: Al'ight! We struck black gold, Spikey! Now instead of using the lifestream we're draining the planet another way! I'm RICH BITCH!

Cloud: How the hell did he get my number?

Tifa: Reno's getting on my nerves. Hurry up! Also, Cloud, I miss you. The party last week…gawd you were so good that night

Cloud: *answers the phone* Tifa what the hell? That wasn't me!

Tifa: oh now you pick up your phone! Of course it was, I had the morning sickness to prove it!

Cloud: Tifa…that was Cid…

Tifa:….Oh…my…gawd!

Cloud: you okay?

Tifa: sorry I have to go to a Clin- I mean a doctors appointment! BYE! *click*

Cloud: see, this is why I moved out. *gets off the bike and marches up the stairs* on the cat walk on the cat walk babe I do my little turn on the cat walk. Okay, seriously where the hell did this place come from? There was no healin two years ago! *opens the door*

Reno: I have a death wish!

Cloud: *block* you know it helps when you don't yell before you attack

Reno: I'm not attacking you, I'm just fueling our yaoi fanbase.

Cloud: get out *shoves him outside*

Reno: oh come on, you hang around Tifa all day! No straight man would be caught dead with Tifa without tappin' that ass! I mean come on, even I hit that.

Cloud:exactly.

*click click*

Reno: crap…forgot my key…

Rude: *steps out* Lets go bi- *sword to the throat*

Cloud:...you really don't know who you're f*bleep*ing with right here do you?

Rufus: now now, boys, there's better ways to settle this. I have a mud hole out back and banna hammocks for all.

Cloud: totally didn't come here to be anally probed…*looks at Rude* so if he's in a wheel chair who does diaper duty?

Rude: ….

Reno: HA! As if I'd be caught dead

Rude: Elena

Cloud: damn, too bad he lived.

Rufus: I bet you're wondering how I survived

Cloud: don't care

Rufus: After the cannon blew

Cloud: don't care

Rufus: I managed to get out-

Cloud: look you overgrown cockroach I don't care! What the hell do you want?

Reno: see he didn't give two shits about you either!

Rufus: shut up Reno!

Cloud: Leaving

Rufus: don't you want to hear about the

Cloud: let me save you almost an hour of exposition. *inhale*Kadaj is a Sephiroth Clone,Yazoo and Loz are pointless, you can actually walk ya son of a bitch, Reno and Rude blow up one of the two remaining helicopters you have left, and I save all your asses again. And black, Reno, they're definitely black; nothing but silk touches this ass.

Reno: sweet!

Cloud: peace! *walks out* Oh *leans back in the door* Rude, you and Reno are going to get your asses handed to you in three, two,

*scene change*

Reno: AH what the f*bleep* asshole!

Rude: ra-da…

Kadaj: that's right; I kicked both your asses by myself. Turks suck

Reno: oh you son of bitch!

Akino: blasphemy! Get up and kick his ass!

Reno: Yeah…I'll get to that…right after my spine pops back in to place.

Akino: yeah...part one....I'm retarded. I'll post the rest cause it wouldn't fair not to XD You can just read and comment on how stupid it is if you want. this is just made to be flamed XDD


	2. Chapter 2

Akino Hakume: part two ^ ^

Final Fantasy VII: Advent…WTF?

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Tifa and Marlene decide to take a stroll through Aerith's flowers.

Tifa: *scratch scratch* damn you Cid.

Marlene: do you have the stigma too Tifa?

Tifa: sure kid…

Marlene: so Cloud left to live here? *finds old bandage and picks it up* Is Cloud sick too?

Tifa:…so I'm guessing this isn't contagious otherwise it was nice knowin' ya Marlene

---

Denzel: and now for my back story since apparently I'm in it for the whole movie.

-This is a flash back—

Denzel: damn I'm pitiful. Ph34r my scuffed cuteness….whoa..nice bike.*Goes over and starts poking around it* Wonder how much I can get off these parts… *snatches cloud's phone and tries to use it.*

Phone: *mechanical voice* fuck. Off. Kid…Your. Parents. Are. Dead. And. They. Hated. You.

Denzel: *cries* they did not you peace of crap technology!

Phone: there will be cake *ringtone* Never trust a ho, don't trust a ho

Denzel: This guy must be loaded, got his own hoez and everything *click* what's up babeh?

Tifa: who is this?

Denzel: uh dunno…

Tifa: Kid do you realize I will f*bleeping* break you if you stole the only means I have of stalking the love of my life. Seriously, I will take your smash your little huevos and serve up fried with a side of f*bleep*ing hash if you stole this phone from Cloud.

Denzel: *tears up* what the hell you crazy bitch!

Tifa: I will f*bleep*ing kill you, you get me?

Denzel: *drops the phone* Jesus! Awe crap I gotta sneez A-CHOO OH GOD MY BRAIN *yep that's the stigma acting up*

Cloud: *comes outside and sees Denzel* ooh you better not have scratched anything. Who the hell are you kid

Denzel: um….dead

Cloud: awe crap…*picks up kid* I am not responsible for this, there's no witnesses so I'll just bury him somewhere and leave

Tifa; *over the phone* cloud? Cloud?! I know you're there! You better not be plotting to bury that kid!

Cloud:….dammit oh well, you're in pain already, might as well make you feel worse by taking you to a bar.

-this ain't a flashback-

Denzel: now that that's over, I'm gonna go pick on people who are worse off than me. Wait for it…wait for it…

Girl: Help I can't get this strange dead kid off my back

*guy bumps em*

Dude: sorry about…UGH you have the stigma!

Girl: no shit Sherlock, what was your first clue? The black sores or the fact that I'm carrying a dead body on my back?

Dude: ugh! Freaky bastards! STAY INSIDE

Denzel: and now to be a good Samaritan! *picks up the kick ass moogle doll!* There you go?

Girl:….I have…a dead kid on my back that this guy almost made me drop….and your idea of helping me is giving me back a contaminated plush that needs to be burned

Denzel: That's right!

Girl: F*bleep* you…*goes off*

Denzel:…stuck up bitch.

Yazoo: *passes on his mortor cycle hair blowing in the wind* Laureal Kidz!

Denzel:….was that a transy?

----

Return to healin (seriously where the f*bleep* is this place?)

Reno: spine still broken

Rude: I don't get paid enough for this.

Kadaj: so your body guards are full of FAIL! You gonna tell me where that severed head is or do I have to self-defense you?

Rufus: actually, I'll tell you the truth this time-

Kadaj: okay, look you cripple mother f*bleep*er; I totally maimed Tseng and Elena and put these two F*bleep* ups on belly up….you really wanna play this right now or can we move on?

Rufus:…ok I'll talk, but riddle me this, what the hell are you gonna do with a maggot infested head?

Kadaj:…I'm not even gonna go through the exposition because we did this crap in the first version. I will however, cater to the fan girls by getting on my knees in front of you, Mr. President, a la Monica Lewinsky.

Rufus: *chuckle* wheelchair action

Reno: oh gawd I wish I was unconscious!

Rude: ra-da

Kadaj: *goes to knees*

Fan girls: *squeal* YAOI!

Kadaj: *bows the head and lifts it up slow*

Sephiroth: Comintogetya!

Rufus:….oh….F*bleep*

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Meanwhile outside midgar

Cloud: angst angst angst…awe shit flash back collage!

*Zack: you suck at being SOLDIER!*

*Zack: you totally suck but I still like you*

*Zack: oh shit! F*bleep*ers shootin'!*

*Zack: you stay right here cuz if anyone is going to go out in a flame of glory its gonna be me. You stay like a good little boy.*

*Zack: Cloud…remember…you'll always…be…my bitch*

Cloud:…you know that I think about it, I hope you're burnin' in hell Zack! Taking the damn easy way out and leaving me all this bullcrap…

Sephiroth: I'm all in your head gaying you up!

Cloud: AH!

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Marlene: lawl, the constant gardener ftw!

Tifa: *scratch scratch* last time I get that drunk!

Loz: *pops into the church* in the morning; in the evening; ain't we got fun! Life is sunny, oh my honey, ain't we got fun!

Tifa: who are you?

Loz: I'm the candy man! Wanna sucker little girl?

Marlene: sure!

Tifa: what have I told you about strangers!

Marlene: oh right! Cash only buddy

Tifa: good girl.

Loz: you took my mother, prepare to be pwned

-WARNING: THIS SCENE WAS DELETED BECAUSE IT WAS THE MOST EPIC SCENE IN ALL OF FINAL FANTASY VII HISTORY AND MADE YOU ACTUALLY HAVE RESPECT FOR TIFA AND LIKE HER MORE THAN CLOUD…UNTIL SHE GOT HER ASS BUSTED-

Loz: *has been emasculated* I'm not gonna cry!

Tifa: that'll learn ya!

Marlene: whoa…I think I went blind from the awesomeness

Loz: *victory ring tone*

Tifa:….lawl…I see what you did there, Square

Loz: *picks up the phone.* alright *click* the computer says you have to die now.

Tifa: wait wha-*electric shock to the back* shit!

Loz: go-go gadget whore killer!

Tifa: *PWNED*

Marlene: instead of running away I'm going to throw Cloud's material at you thus robbing him of all the MP Attacks he could've thrown at you…plus his Cure 3…man, he's gonna be pissed.

Loz: der-hur, I eat children

Marlene: AH!

Denzel: Crap! *blink* do I have psychic powers?

Girl: hey, buttface?

Denzel: bitch says what?

Girl: bitch say she'll stomp your balls off. Bring your ass, there's a strange man offering Gil and a free ride to Disney land if we all get in the back of his truck!

Denzel: okay! Cuz no one notices it when Kidz go missing!

---

Let all the fan girls scream for the entire FFVII budget was spent on rendering Cloud's walk into this church.

Cloud: yeah…f*bleep* you Squall

Tifa: *scratches unconsciously*

Cloud: da hell Tifa! Off all the places to fall you had to fall on the flowers! Do you know the things Aerith does to me in my sleep! I'm gonna have nightmares for a week and its all your…where's my case of Materia?

Tifa: sephiroth…wannabe…took Marlene

Cloud: yeah that's great; where's my Materia?

Tifa: he took that too.

Cloud:….SON OF BITCH! Oh crap ow! *lol his skin is leaking* I'm…gonna black out now

Wolf: *wolf* BAAAACOOOON

-Zack: okay stop the movie! Why the hell is that wolf there?

Akino: that's supposed to be an allegory for you and the fact that you use to be call Zack the puppy.

Zack: I can't believe this; one drunken night with Angeal and I'm a quadruped for life

Akino: um…yeah back to the movie-

Cloud: DON'T TOUCH ME THERE *snaps up. Looks at Tifa* oh god did we just…oh no she's on a separate bed. Thank god

Reno: you were right Cloud. They were black.

Cloud: because I don't need anymore traumatizing memories, I'm going to repress anything that happened between now and when I passed out. Instead you get a flash back of Denzel…again

-This is a flash back-

Cloud: *lifts Denzel's scrawny ass onto his bike*

Fangirls: awe…

Denzel: what the hell was that, man?

Cloud: that was the sound of plot bunnies for fluff fiction being born. *gets on* you get use to it. Hold on

Denzel: dizziness! *fallz against Cloud*

Cloud: great, he's dead *Denzel groans* that really sounds painful.

Denzel: my skin…is trying to fall off me…yes its painful!

Cloud: not as painful as what's waiting for us at that bar. *takes his hand and squeezes it* don't worry, we'll go together

Fangirls: *squeal*

Cloud: and that is the birth of shouta slash fiction…

-this ain't a flashback-

*in the truck headed to Disney Land*

Denzel: so what happened to the dead kid on your back?

Girl: *petting her moogle*I threw him off the edge of Sector Six and watched his body burst like a water balloon. It was so pretty and red *giggle*

Denzel:…you are seriously f*bleep*ed up.


	3. Chapter 3

Akino Hakume: lawl Part 3

Final Fantasy VII: Advent WTF?!

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Loz: and then I took all his Materia…oh and I got this kid too

Marlene: There better be money in this

Kadaj: *playing with the material balls* now these are balls that I don't mind playing with.

Marlene: since you guys are having an Existential moment I'm gonna get the heck out of here

Kadaj: the devil is a lie! *blasts a tree*

Marlene: HOLY CRAP! Did you just topple a tree at me! What's wrong with you? You could've just nabbed me? Are you nutz?

Kadaj: like a fox!

Marlene:….I'm gonna die aren't I?

Kadaj: now to play jesus *looks at crowd of children* SINNERZ you are all sinnerz and mother is pissed at you! God hate lepars but you know who accepts everyone...Satan-I mean Jenova! Mother's gonna kiss it better! *Goes into the water and it turnz black like oil. that is devil worship if i ever seen it* Now my brotherz and sistahz get down in the water and pray, baptize yourself in my essence

Denzel: um...whatever. *goes in the water*

Kadaj: oh he's gonna do it!

Denzel: *sip*...ugh tastes like sweat and- *possessed* I. Am. You. Slave.

Kadaj: yes...there will be cake...

---scene change---

Tifa: and I choose now to regain consciousness oh hi cloud

Cloud: Reno found my damn materia.

Tifa: at what cost

Cloud: *silence*

Tifa: not the red ones, Cloud! You know I love spying on you in the bathroom with the red ones

Reno: no it was a set of the black ones and WTF! You watch him pee?!

Tifa: it's the only time outside of the shower that I can see it

Cloud:…yeah…I'm gonna pretend you never told me that.

Tifa: so aren't you worried about the kidz?

Cloud: no, they were gonna die anyway

Tifa: the hell Cloud! You're the main character! You're supposed to be angsting all over it.

Cloud: the only thing I'm angsting over is that you let Marlene throw my Materia at him!

Tifa: listen, I know you're in pain and you feel like you can't do anthing-

Cloud: oh god, friendship speech *tunes out*

Tifa: but blah blah blah blah blah and you aren't listening.

Cloud: look I got enough deaths on my head. The less I care about those kids, the better I feel if they all die from geostigma.

Tifa: Dilly Dally Shilly Shally

Cloud:….

Tifa: Dilly Dally Shilly Shally

Cloud:….what the f*bleep* is that you're saying. Did you go brain dead or something?

Akino: um guys, it's supposed to replace the Japanese onomatopoeia 'zuru-zuru' which is supposed to be a dragging sound…like Cloud is dragging weight or a heavy burden.

Cloud: and they couldn't do better than dilly dally?

Tifa: what could possibly replace something totally Japanese and still make sense?!

Cloud: oh I dunno maybe um "drag-drag drag-drag drag! See how easy that was and it made sense…what the hell is a Shally anyway?

Tifa: I dunno, I think its American or something

Cloud: yeah whatever, anyway so you're saying I'm dragging around my guilt; I'm saying I'm protecting my interest. Tomato tamoto!

Reno: I don't care what you do as long as I got the silk underwear

Cloud: goin' get my ass kicked now *rides off on the bike*

Tifa: awe I wasn't finished

Rude: I'll help you finish

Reno:…and that ladies and gentlemen was an lame innuendo

*Meanwhile*

Cloud: I love to ride my bicycle, I love to ride my bike, I love to ride my bicycle I love to ride it where I-SHIT! *stumbles and is now standing in a white void*…um…I was riding a bike which could possibly be crashed now so I'll pointlessly ask what the hell is wrong with you Aerith?!

Aerith: you do know that you aren't supposed to call me by name. I mean come on you're having a revelation here! I totally got skewered and you're still beating yourself up over it!

Cloud: wait what are you talking about?! I'm not guilty for that!

Aerith:…what?

Cloud: I feel guilty because I totally tapped Zack's woman!

Aerith: *blush*

Zack: oh you son of bitch! Aerith you lied!

Aerith: I did not! I never slept with him! Zack wait! Zack!

Cloud: and while you're arguing I'm gonna make sure I still have a body. *wakes up back on the bake which amazingly still going and then Kadaj is standing in front him*

Akino: hit him hit him hit him!

Kadaj: and you put your right hand in! *wave*

*kidz fallin out the trees like monkeys. Denzel stands there like one of the children of the corn*

Cloud: if I hit him…would that be murder or charity? Hmm….he's gonna die of Geostigma anyway

Marlene: what about me

Cloud: don't care!

Denzel: *has sephiroth eyes* Imgonnarapeyou!

Cloud: JESUS! *flips the bike and rolls* ow wow wow wow!

Kadaj: hee-hee wipe-out!

Loz: can I keep his bike

Yazoo: no

Cloud: damn, I think my brain shifted

Kadaj: see this is somehow our big brother. In our happy flock he's a *pauses and looks at the script* on the note of not sounding as gay as Yazoo looks-

Yazoo: f*bleep* off

Kadaj: I'll just kill you and get over with!

Marlene: Use the force CLOUD!

Kadaj: wait what?

Marlene: yikes *skitters*

Cloud: *snatches his sword* it's on bitch

Kadaj:…really? Yazoo and Loz, sick 'im!

Cloud: awe shit

Epic tree battle commences and thus the pretty forest gets tore the hell up and Cloud does Blade Beam (akino: hell yes) but makes the stupid mistake of attacking the one who is most like Sephiroth.

Kadaj: oh he wants to play!

Cloud: take this and that! And this! Yeah that'll learn ya!

Kadaj: damn that's ineffective! Limit break! *bitch slap!*

*gunshot*

Kadaj: shit! *looks around*

Cloud: *hits the ground and phone pops out and falls in the water*Ow! My ribs!

This is the part where Cloud seemingly gets his ass saved by a piece of fabric and mystery bullets.

Akino: F*bleep* yeah! Its Vincent f*bleep*ing Valentine

Vincent: *shoots the shit out of all of them and snatches Cloud like Captain save ho!*

Akino: wait, wait, wait….i know this is Cloud's story…but damn if Vincent could do that then why the hell didn't he just kill their asses with Death Penalty. Not like it wouldn't have worked

Vincent: because he whined like a bitch when I owned his ass in just game cut-scenes while he needed a whole movie to make himself look good

Cloud: I am conscious you know.

Vincent: And?

Cloud: what are you doing out here anyway?

Vincent: I went camping. What the hell do you think I'm doing out here? I thought I was getting away from all you happy go lucky bastards and you emo-queen

Cloud: this from the freak in the coffin

Vincent: At least I wasn't Sephiroth's bitch through four disks of RPG

Cloud: and who was Hojo's bitch for almost thirty years?

Vincent: *Cerberus drawn* I will send a Materia Shot in your ass and blow you new hole

Cloud: you wish you could blow me!

Marlene:...what did my young impressionable mind walk in on?

*both stare*

Cloud: Marlene? Did you just save yourself?

Marlene: well you weren't doing it!

Cloud: I should give you back to them for lettin' take my material!

Marlene: yeah, yeah, where's your phone? I want to check my facebook

Cloud: jokes on you short shit, I lost my phone…JUST LIKE MY DAMN MATERIA

Marlene: *looks at Vincent*

Vincent: why the hell would I have a phone?

Marlene: good point! Take me home!

Cloud: go to hell

Marlene: fine I'll go with the freak with cape *hides under it* if you don't take me home I'll make him shoot you!

Vincent: get off get off get off get off get off get off get off get off get off!

Cloud: your innocence is making his flesh burn

Marlene; exactly, eventually he'll get sick of me and shoot you because of it!

Cloud: Okay whatever, bring your ass. I'm gotta go kill something. I'll call you when I get my shit back, vampy. Oh yeah, Reno wants to know what color underwear you wear!

Vincent; I should've just let Omega win…

-----

Akino: I didn't realize how long this was until I went to break it apart. Then again, this movie is two hours long!


	4. Chapter 4

Akino Hakume: and another one

Final Fantasy VII: Advent WTF?!

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Akino: hmm…how did they get those kids to town so fast?

*thus their all circling the monument like a bunch of ceremonial sacrifices*

Parents: *suddenly care about their kids who have been missing for a while now* Give us back out children. Who do you think you are!

Yazoo: CPS, bitches! *summons creepy shadow beasts that…I don't think actually kills them but do mess a lot of people up* pay your child support folks…or I'll find you

Loz: I r super strong *tugz on chain*

Reno: what the hell are you dumbasses doin' yo?

Yazoo: why…do you talk like that?

Reno: well my lovely lady, I speak a certain dialect of Japanese that requires me to say zo to at the end of each sentence which is similar to saying yo. Unfortunately Quinton Flynn was not paid extra to try ad transliterate that accent there for the fans who like to fan dub stick with the yo at the end of everything I say, right ladies

Fangirls: right, YO!

Reno: see, the love me, yo.

Yazoo:…I can't believe we stood still long enough to listen to that.

Loz: um what do we do now?

Yazoo: well, he did call me a lady. Screw it, lets just kill 'em. Oh and your dialect sounds is like shoving a pinecone up my ass, yo!

Loz: and the Turks still suck!

Reno: that is it! your ass is mine, yo!

Yazoo: I knew there was something between us!

Fangirls: *scribble scribble* there is now!

Tifa: *finds Denzel* How the hell did I find you before Cloud did!

Denzel: I'll swallow your soul!

Tifa: news flash, I'm a fan girl, I have no soul!

Denzel: wait what?

Rufus: blah blah blah

Kadaj: he's still talking? Ah well. I got something in my front pocket for you! BOOM! *summons Bahamut Sin…whatever the hell that is*

*monster about to attack Tifa*

Tifa: there will be no ass raping today muther- *bahamut*…oh…..shit

Reno: apparently in the time for those two other scenes to play out I haven't even made it over there yet. Haven't these people heard of split screen *bad pun coming up when we scroll down.*

Bahamut: AAAAARGGG

Reno:…*skids to stop and smashes rude in the face*….oh f*bleep* yo! I'm out!

Rude: What about the kidz

Reno: awe goddammit! *grabs one and gets the hell out of dodge even though I doubt grabbing just three really saved them all.*What the hell, did you just stick your finger up my nose, yo!

Tifa: instead of snatching Denzel and run I'm just gonna hold him and let the big dragonfly kill us!

Bahamut: I'm a firin' my **

Reno: I can fly!

Rude: he fly!

Yazoo & Loz: we can fly!

Reno: *skid* oh god my face!

Tifa: I hope Cloud finds me unconscious *moans* mmm---semi-consensual sex ftw

--------

Reno: damn…my face ugh

Yazoo: having fun?

Reno: not even gonna justify that, yo! *judo kick. And this proves that Reno…can actually bust some ass!*

Akino: hell yeah! Go Reno!

Unfortunately they get kicked halfway across edge and a sign fallz on Rudes head.

Loz: dude are you okay?

Rude: damn…my head

Loz: you just got hit by a metal sign and your still standing!

Reno: *fallz on top of him*

Fangirls: Reno/Rude for the win!

Yazoo: you stood there after being hit with a sign…and you fall when Reno fallz on you?

Reno: ah Your mother was a whore! *steps on Rude's glasses*

Rude:…this fool done broke my Gucci Sunglasses!

Yazoo: did you just call my mom a whore?

Loz: I will break you!

Rude: nah, we didn't mean it

Reno: yeah…your mom's al'ight……wait…why f*bleep* are we apologizing. DIE MOFOS!

Reno actually owns Yazoo's ass for the one second but yeah….they get sucker punched and end up more bloody than in the first version…damn this one has a lot of blood.

----

Tifa: still outman

Denzel: ugh, what smells like VD *rolls Tifa off* oh shit are you finally dead?

Tifa: no I'm not dead, I just get knocked out a lot

Denzel:…ooo a Bahamut! TAKE ME WITH YOU DARK LORD

Barret: *snatches him* I've got a gun! *fire*

Bahamut: what he hell, you're going down oppressed minority!

RedXII: hey Bahamut! I'm a firin' my BLAAAAH

Cait Sith: I'm just along for the ride, lass

Akino: not that that isn't freakishly adorable but…why does he have a Scottish accent?

Cait Sith: you jus' answered your own question, lassie!

Akino:….f*bleep* timmy

Barret: oh crap, Imma bout ta get blasted!

Yuffie: SAFE *shiruken attack. Lawl she parachutes off of Shera apparently* ugh, damn airship. Who has Cloud's Materia

TIfa: the bad guys

Yuffie: GOOD! Finders keepers bitches!

Denzel: the hell?

Cid: You know you're a redneck when you jump off shit just to introduce yourself! Hey check out my Rod, Sierra

Tifa:I thought it was Shera

Cid: translators couldn't agree, we'll know by the time Dirge of Cerberus comes out!!!!

TIfa: um…

Vincent: I have a bullet and a beat down for the first person who calls me Dracula

Denzel:…does he sparkle?

*blast!*

Tifa: he didn't say Dracula!

Vincent: close enough!

Tifa: okay seriously how did ANY of you know this was going on when Cloud lost his phone!

Akino: *pauses the movie*….hmm….thats the biggest plothole I've ever seen…ah well *play*

Cloud: *Throws Marlene in the bar while passing by*

Marlene: AH MY ARM!

Cloud: pay backs a bitch ain't it kid

Denzel: *surrounded crap I'm gonna die!*

Tifa: building is falling on me so I'm just gonna lay right here

Cloud: hmm…*debating*

Aerith: pretend its me and Zack!

Cloud: ….damn, now I HAVE to save you! Strike Raid!

Sora: awe what the hell?!

Cloud: shut up kid, you're nothing but my cheap imitation! *saves Tifa*

TIfa: oh my god, this engine, PURRING between my legs

Cloud: off! I'm out! *drives off*

*kick ass cameo fight cuz even I thought that was cool…especially Vincent*

Vincent: *comes out of the flames* Still I rise, bitch! *boosh!*

Yuffie: *running up the wall* Ninja Assassin for the win!

Cid: yeeeeeeeeeee-haaaaaaaw

RedXIII: come here *growl*I'm gonna scratch your eyes out!

Barret: I'm just gonna put myself in a deadly situation so that Cloud can look more epic

Cloud: *spinning sword like a helicopter blade* because some how this freakin' worked!

Barret: you're late bitch!

Cloud: repressed Gay mr. T wanna be says what?

Barret: what?

Cloud: exactly!

Cloud's Co.: because we're such good friends we're gonna let you take on this thing by yourself and don't help anymore

Cloud: yeah…what's up with that? Oh well *owns that ass then we get to see the gayest thing ever…we see everyone give Cloud a boost up at each level though by all physics this is impossible*

Barret; get up there, bitch!

cid: GET 'ER DONE!

Yuffie: HIIIIII yA!

redxiiI: I'm just gonna sling you like a chew toy!

Vincent: know that when this is over, Cerberus's barrel is going so far down your throat you're gonna shit bullets!

Cloud: mm Cerberus down my throat, is that promise emo-bitch

Vincent; I hope it eats you *sling!*

Cloud: you wish you could eat me, coffin bitch!

Tifa: Cloud, my throw shall be the most powerfull because I'm the girlfriend chara-

Cloud: *zooms past her and into a ball of flame* AERITH! GIVE ME A HAND!

Aerith: by all rights you should be dead but wtf, aly-ooop!

Cloud: CLIMHAZZARD BITCH!

Bahamut: HOLY CRAP I JUST GO CUT IN HALF!

Cloud: *lands on a beam* oh crap my knee!

----

Rufus: so yeah I'm tired of playing the freaky guy in the wheel chair. This shit is cumbersome! *throws blanket off*

Kadaj:….NO F*bleep*IN WAY! And…you have the head you son of a bitch

Rufus: um yeah, considering you're a remnant and all the people who were the same thing you are could sense Jenova…how the hell did you not know I had this bitch

Akino: f*bleep*ing plot holes.

Rufus: I'm gonna throw this now *toss*

KAdaj: HISSY FIT! *blah!*

Rufus: Matrix Dodge! *pulls out gun and opens fire*

Kadaj: *jumps too* I'm comin'MAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

*Epic Slow Motion falls with a first time ever splits screen!*

Reno: oh there it is!

Rufus: *blows a hole in that container* John Wayne mother f*bleep*er

Tseng: running running

Elena: I'm coming !

Reno:thats what he said!

*they save Rufus with a net*

Reno: hell yea! Who said the turks suck!

Kadaj: I'm OUT! *on the bike and gone*

Cloud: I'm all on your fender Ass rapping you!

Yazoo and Loz: we're here for the mints! *chase*

Reno: so wait…how did you and Elena get here?

Tseng: Airship

Rude: How'd you know Rufus was gonna fall off a building

Tseng: um…

Elena: well…

Rufus: I was going to commit suicide…

Reno:….um, lets go help Cloud!


End file.
